Confessions + The Truth

The last few months of 2016 was a really challenging time for me personally. Amongst the Christmas chaos of shopping and wrapping and getting everything done in time, I was also experiencing a real wobble with some pretty big things.

•I found myself for the first time in years thinking about food a lot
•I found myself wandering aimlessly in the kitchen and eating a handful of biscuits without really knowing I was doing it
•I found myself starting to feel unsettled, almost anxious, about food and myself again.
•I found myself questioning what was I doing with my business and my message
•I found myself feeling not good enough in so many areas (need to be a better mum, wife, friend etc)
•I found myself feeling really lost. Disconnected. Not knowing who I was anymore. And having this ‘food thing’ looming over my head once again for the first time in years.

I got to a point in December where I realised that in-between being a mum, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a coach, a therapist and a business owner there was literally nothing left to give of myself. And actually it was more than that. There was nothing left of ME anymore and I don’t think I knew who ME was anyway.

I felt fed up nearly everyday. 

Just flat.

I felt like I was living in a hamster wheel of monotony, where every day was the same as the day before with school drop off, sorting the house out, working with clients, working on my business, school pick up, looking after my children, having dinner, then going to bed.

Every. Single. Day.

I stopped looking after myself.

I stopped listening to myself

I stopped making myself a priority.

It all slipped away.

One afternoon, I caught myself drinking some juice straight out of the carton standing at the fridge as I was rushing to pick my children up from school and that was the breaking point.

“Don’t I even deserve to sit and drink out of a f**king glass?!?!”

I drove to school with tears in my eyes wondering what the hell was wrong with me? Here I was, coaching women all around the globe about looking after themselves in order to heal their relationship with food and themselves, yet I wasn’t doing it myself. I felt so guilty and ashamed not to mention being a fraud

The rest of that week I jumped right in. I started reflecting on some really deep and powerful questions as I knew that something had to change.

•Who am I?
•Is this really what life is all about?
•Why am I not looking after myself?
•What do I want?
•What am I hungry for? What is my soul craving?
•Is this what I have signed up for now I’m a mum and a wife and a business owner?
•Do I just accept that this is what happens now I’m a grown up? If so then being a grown up is rubbish!

The last few months have been intense, triggering and emotional. Really raw with lots of snotty tears (my poor husband Simon must have thought I was losing it on several occasions!) and there has been lots of soul searching going on (you may have noticed I have been a little more quiet than usual)

I’ve been journalling like a crazy women, meditating & working with a spiritual coach. I invested in myself with an incredible business coach in her female mastermind group as knew I needed support and help to reconnect back to my soul and who I was. I stepped out of my spiritual closet (more of that to come), cut through the fear and doubts and the bullshit stories which had emerged throughout last year and I hadn’t even noticed them. And I kept Amazon in business with the amount of self help books I bought and absorbed!

I took the decision to shake things up as something wasn’t quite right.

I could feel it, sense it and my food obsession and not feeling good enough also symbolised that something else was going on.

I needed to figure out WHAT I WAS REALLY HUNGRY FOR

The food thing wasn’t the issue, it never is. But when our souls are hungry for something, they will do anything to get our attention.

And that is exactly what mine was doing for the last few months of 2016

An unknown hunger for something.

Something more.

Something big.

Something meaningful.

Something impactful

And I found it.

My soul hunger. 

And it means that I am stepping out of the shadows and owning some parts of me which I have never fully owned before.

I’ve not been entirely truthful with you about ME and WHO I REALLY AM. I do love cake and coffee and I am passionate about helping women break free from emotional eating, binging and diet obsession. But there are other things too which I never talk about.

I’ve been scared of being judged.

I’ve been scared of people not liking me.

I’ve been scared of being ridiculed.

 

But I came to realise that for me to be contributing to this conversation of food freedom and feeling good about ourselves, I REALLY need to know the answers for myself and OWN who I am.

And I thought I did but something happened last year which made me question the path I was on.

Women come to me because they have food and body image issues.

Yet I know, hand on heart, that for 100% of those women, food and body image issues are not really the problems. They think they are. But they aren’t.

And THIS is what I have discovered over the last few months

All of us are seeking validation.

All of us are seeing connection.

All of us are seeking approval.

All of us want to fit in and be loved

All of us want to be ourselves yet for some reason we can’t or we don’t know how.

Much like I was thinking my food obsessions were returning at the end of last year, it had nothing to do with that.

•My soul was hungry for change.
•My soul was hungry for authenticity
•My soul was hungry for connection + belonging

And that’s exactly what I have started to feed it……

…….meaning that things are about to change

love Rachel xx